About a year after I got married, I became good friends with someone I worked with. She had been married for three years and did not have any children yet. She helped me out a lot during those confusing first months. She recommended certain doctors to me, and helped me understand what I would need to face, and I truly believe she made the beginning of my journey easier. We even had a ritual I strongly recommend to others. We called it our “Pity Parties.” When I would walk in with a milkshake or a bag of candies, she knew. Pity Party time. We would nosh and talk and nosh. And I felt much better when it was all done. It was a sad day when we both left to work elsewhere. I still haven’t found my replacement Pity Party gal
Point is, people suffering from infertility all need someone to talk to, besides significant others. Even though many people feel this is a topic so private that it cannot be shared with anyone except your partner, I strongly (strongly!) believe this is not true. Yes, this is your personal struggle; but no, you do not need to go it alone.
A couple of years ago I was talking to Miriam, a friend of mine. A close friend of hers—let’s call her Chaya—was having a hard time getting pregnant.
“I know she’s not pregnant, and I can see she is not handling it well. I know her so well. But she would never tell me anything,” Miriam shared with me.
“Is she sharing with anyone?” I wanted to know.
“No, I don’t think so. She has always been known as a very private person.”
I told Miriam there was nothing she could do except wait and be receptive if Chaya did decide to share her feelings with her.
At a wedding a few months later, I found myself sitting next to Chaya. One conversation led to another, and I mentioned something about how people did not say “hello” to my face but to my stomach. (More on that another time.) A surprised look crossed Chaya’s face, and then she began to tell me about the difficulties she was facing on her journey to get pregnant. I listened, sympathized, nodded when appropriate. Then I asked, “Do you talk about this to anyone else?”
She answered forcefully, “No way! This is something private—sacred, even. It is between me and my husband, and no one else! You are actually the first person I have ever talked to about this topic.”
Pragmatically, I tried to explain my opposing view.
“Chaya, I know your pain. I feel it. I feel it every single day. The struggle is deeply personal and private. However, you do not need to shoulder it alone. You cannot! If you feel you cannot share it with anyone you know, share it online with people you don’t know. I am who I am, and I am dealing with this situation in my own way, but you need to deal with it as well, in any way you feel comfortable. Keeping everything bottled up inside day after day is crippling. It will cripple you, it will cripple your husband, and eventually it will cripple your marriage. Because no matter how much that man loves you—no, actually, because he loves you so much—he will feel the same pain as you. And if you continue feeding him that pain, you will bring him down.”
I explained how when I have a bad day, I share it with someone, whether it is my mom, sister or close friend. No, I won’t shout it from the rooftops, but I need to have people supporting me in my struggle. I definitely share with my husband, but I try to ensure that our attitude remains mostly upbeat. This is the path that has worked for me, and I know others feel differently.
Chaya remained extremely skeptical, and in her cynical state accused me of betraying my husband by “airing our dirty laundry” to others. I was deeply saddened by her view, but nothing I said changed her mind. Thank G‑d, Chaya now has a baby, and I was truly joyful when I heard, because I knew how hard it must have been for her until she heard the news.
I feel I need to say this now:
Ladies! Men! Share! Share! Share!
Again, you don’t need to announce your situation in Times Square, but you need to speak to someone. You are experiencing pain. Emotional pain. Legitimate pain.
Every person has a different way of dealing with it. That’s okay. As long as you deal with it somehow.
G‑d is there, always, and He hears your pain. But G‑d also put us in this world craving the company, advice, sympathy and approval of other human beings. Bottling emotions, suffocating them, is unnatural. So, don’t do it. Please.
Originally printed on chabad.org
